5 Ways to Deal with a Birth Plan that Falls Apart

“The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.”

It all starts with those 2 magical lines on the pregnancy test revealing the happy news; the dreams and plans for what pregnancy, labor, and motherhood will all be like.  You begin to register for your baby shower while figuring out whether you do or do not want delayed cord clamping on your birth plan.  It will all go perfectly, right?

Although I do personally believe in birth plans as a way to help you prepare for your birth by knowing your options, I think it’s also important to realize birth plans are just that:  a plan, not a guarantee of what actually happens.  And dealing with what actually goes down at your birth may be harder than the actual birth itself.  If you find yourself in the scenario where your “best laid plans” fell apart, either in small or big ways, at your birth, here are five suggestions on ways to cope:

1. Grieve.  Allow yourself to mourn the loss of the birth you wanted.  It’s okay.  For the last nine months, you’ve been dreaming about how the birth of your baby would go and if it doesn’t turn out just as you had hoped, that can be devastating.  Cry if you need.  Talk to your partner, friends, or family members.  Let others know you’re disappointed.  Acknowledge the fact that you are disappointed.  It’s okay!
2. Find your community.  I know it may not always feel like it but I promise you there are others whose birth plan have fallen apart too.  Find others who have had similar experiences.  Talk to them.  They will understand.  They have been where you are.  Search for local mom groups on Facebook, go to breastfeeding support groups or mommy and me classes, meet other moms so you can swap stories and find your community and support network.  
3. Seek professional help.  Sometimes you may need more help than your friends or family can offer.  That’s what professionals are for.  Find a local lactation consultant if you’re struggling with breastfeeding.  Or contact La Leche League or other breastfeeding support groups in person or online.  If you’re concerned your sadness may be something more like postpartum depression, seek help.  Contact Postpartum Support International at 1-800-944-4773 to find resources, support groups, and local professionals to speak to.
4. Forgive yourself.  Guilt is an awful plague that haunts most moms at some point.  If you feel, in any way, guilt that your birth did not go according to your birth plan, please, please, forgive yourself.  Know that you did everything within your power to have the birth you dreamed of but due to unforeseen circumstances, your plans had to change.  This is not your fault.  “What if” scenarios and guilt will only weigh you down.  Release it for your sake.  Forgive yourself.
5. Begin the healing process.  After all is said and done, the most important thing is that you heal your pain so you can move forward in your motherhood in good spirits and with optimism.  Find ways to heal that work for you, whether that be helping other new moms in similar situations down the road or writing your thoughts out in a journal.  I know after my last child was born via cesarean, I wrote a blog post for a friend’s breech blog to help heal.  I also vented a lot to friends.  I even just recently wrote a blog post for my own blog about things I wish I had had for my cesarean.  

All of these were steps I took to heal.  I gave myself permission to grieve, I began to let go of the “what if’s” and the guilt, and I pursued doula work to try to help other women have happier births, whether or not their birth plan went according to plan.  Motherhood is such a blessing but it can be so challenging too.  And starting off motherhood with the feeling of failure because your birth plan fell apart is an awful feeling.  Find ways to grieve and heal that work for you so you can move past the disappointment and be ready to face all the blessings and challenges motherhood has in store for you.  

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