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5 Ways to Deal with a Birth Plan that Falls Apart

9/23/2015

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“The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.”

It all starts with those 2 magical lines on the pregnancy test revealing the happy news; the dreams and plans for what pregnancy, labor, and motherhood will all be like.  You begin to register for your baby shower while figuring out whether you do or do not want delayed cord clamping on your birth plan.  It will all go perfectly, right?

Although I do personally believe in birth plans as a way to help you prepare for your birth by knowing your options, I think it’s also important to realize birth plans are just that:  a plan, not a guarantee of what actually happens.  And dealing with what actually goes down at your birth may be harder than the actual birth itself.  If you find yourself in the scenario where your “best laid plans” fell apart, either in small or big ways, at your birth, here are five suggestions on ways to cope:

  1. Grieve.  Allow yourself to mourn the loss of the birth you wanted.  It’s okay.  For the last nine months, you’ve been dreaming about how the birth of your baby would go and if it doesn’t turn out just as you had hoped, that can be devastating.  Cry if you need.  Talk to your partner, friends, or family members.  Let others know you’re disappointed.  Acknowledge the fact that you are disappointed.  It’s okay!
  2. Find your community.  I know it may not always feel like it but I promise you there are others whose birth plan have fallen apart too.  Find others who have had similar experiences.  Talk to them.  They will understand.  They have been where you are.  Search for local mom groups on Facebook, go to breastfeeding support groups or mommy and me classes, meet other moms so you can swap stories and find your community and support network.  
  3. Seek professional help.  Sometimes you may need more help than your friends or family can offer.  That’s what professionals are for.  Find a local lactation consultant if you’re struggling with breastfeeding.  Or contact La Leche League or other breastfeeding support groups in person or online.  If you’re concerned your sadness may be something more like postpartum depression, seek help.  Contact Postpartum Support International at 1-800-944-4773 to find resources, support groups, and local professionals to speak to.
  4. Forgive yourself.  Guilt is an awful plague that haunts most moms at some point.  If you feel, in any way, guilt that your birth did not go according to your birth plan, please, please, forgive yourself.  Know that you did everything within your power to have the birth you dreamed of but due to unforeseen circumstances, your plans had to change.  This is not your fault.  “What if” scenarios and guilt will only weigh you down.  Release it for your sake.  Forgive yourself.
  5. Begin the healing process.  After all is said and done, the most important thing is that you heal your pain so you can move forward in your motherhood in good spirits and with optimism.  Find ways to heal that work for you, whether that be helping other new moms in similar situations down the road or writing your thoughts out in a journal.  I know after my last child was born via cesarean, I wrote a blog post for a friend’s breech blog to help heal.  I also vented a lot to friends.  I even just recently wrote a blog post for my own blog about things I wish I had had for my cesarean.  

All of these were steps I took to heal.  I gave myself permission to grieve, I began to let go of the “what if’s” and the guilt, and I pursued doula work to try to help other women have happier births, whether or not their birth plan went according to plan.  Motherhood is such a blessing but it can be so challenging too.  And starting off motherhood with the feeling of failure because your birth plan fell apart is an awful feeling.  Find ways to grieve and heal that work for you so you can move past the disappointment and be ready to face all the blessings and challenges motherhood has in store for you.  

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5 things I wish I had asked for my cesarean birth

9/9/2015

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My first four kids were all born vaginally.  I never even allowed consideration for a cesarean.  When my OB with my fourth suggested planning for a cesarean with him because, and I quote, “women often have c-sections with their fourth,” I scoffed.  Not me.  No way.  There wasn’t even a section on my birth plans that discussed what I would want in the case of a cesarean.  It was beyond my ability to even allow the possibility.

Then I got pregnant with my fifth child.  At 32 weeks I mentioned to my friend that she felt like she was kicking her way out of my cervix, to which she replied that sounded like she was breech.  What? Breech?!  I don’t know why I hadn’t even connected the dots that feet at my cervix and head at my ribs were not where my baby should be!

I began to do everything I could to help convince her she wanted to be head down:  every form of an inversion I heard of (legs up the wall, laying head down on my back on a leaning ironing board, on shoulders and knees with my butt in the air…), moxibustion, hot/cold packs, music and flashlights at the bottom of my belly, meditation, gentle affirmations to my baby that she could flip herself…  The only thing that I didn’t do (that I regret not doing) was going to a chiropractor.

At 36 weeks, my OB looked me straight in the face with the most frank, non-compassionate voice ever and said, “We’ll just do a c-section then.”  I walked to my car and broke down in tears.  I did not want a cesarean.  I was heartbroken.  I had all these dreams of how I would bring my last child into this world and a cesarean was nowhere in them.

At 38 weeks after a failed external version, they scheduled me for a cesarean the next week.  I am at least grateful I had time to plan for it, physically and emotionally.  I talked to friends with cesareans and asked about their experiences and what I should ask for at mine.  I went to my new OB (yes, I switched OBs at 37 weeks because if I had to have a cesarean, I wanted a caring OB who understood I was not happy about it) and talked about options.  I asked for:
  • my arms not to be restrained
  • music to listen to
  • water to spray in my mouth if it got dry
  • ice chips to chew on the morning of
  • an extra person in the room besides my husband
  • permission for my husband to take pictures
  • immediate skin-to-skin contact
  • and delayed cord-clamping.  
Unfortunately, the last four things I asked for were against hospital policy.  

When the big day came, I was so full of mixed emotions:  excited to meet my baby, scared of having surgery.  I was blessed with a very sweet anesthesiologist who held my hand as they set everything up and waited for my husband to come in.  I was grateful for the things I had asked for and were able to have, but, looking back, there are other things I wish I had known to ask for but was too in the moment on that day to think to ask for them.  

These are the 5 things I wish I had asked for before my cesarean:
  1. Light touch.  I wish I had told my husband just to run his fingers up and down my arm to distract me from what was going on behind the sheet.  It would have been very soothing to this worried mom.
  2. Facial massage.  In doula training, one of my trainers showed how she just lightly massages her client’s face and scalp during a cesarean and I thought, man, I wish I had thought to ask for that!
  3. Birth affirmations.  In a vaginal birth, moms will have their partners and birth team encouraging them on with praises and birth affirmations, but in a cesarean, I felt as if I wasn’t doing anything, rather having things done to me.  I felt disconnected from my own birth experience.  I wish I had asked my husband to say loving birth affirmations to me to help me feel a part of her birth.  Things like, “You created this baby.  You are bringing her to this world.  You are providing her with a safe passage to our family,” would have gone a long way in helping me accept my cesarean.
  4. Baby’s warmer within my view.  After she was born and they showed her to me quickly, they took her over to the warmer to dry her off and suction her nose and mouth, but the warmer was out of my view!  I laid there hearing my baby cry and not only could I not hold her, but I couldn’t even see her.  It was heartbreaking!
  5. My husband to stay by my side.  Before the cesarean, we decided after our baby was born, he would follow her to the warmer and be by her side since I couldn’t.  What I didn’t realize that meant was I would be left alone on the operating table.  I never imagined how lonely that feeling would be.  Again, I felt like things were being done to me, not me being an active participant.  I felt like a cold slab of meat being dissected.  The anesthesiologists were talking to each other behind me.  The doctors were talking to each other behind the sheet.  My husband was with my crying baby out of my sight.  And I just laid there, alone.  I wished more than anything at that moment to have my husband right there, still holding my hand and talking to me.

So for all you expecting moms out there, whether planning or not planning a cesarean, I encourage you to think about what you would want in that scenario, just in case.  Find out your hospital and OB’s policies on cesareans.  Ask for anything and everything you may think you want and see where they stand.  Switch care providers if you don’t feel you will be getting the right environment for your birth. Most of all, know what your options are so you can know what to ask for.  I hope my 5 suggestions may be of some help.  And I hope most of all, that whether you have a cesarean or not, you’ll be prepared, feel empowered, and feel connected with your birth experience because no matter how your baby enters this world, you birthed that baby.  You did it!
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